Trying To Get My Life Together -Diary Entry-
Hey y'all! Hope you're all doing well, staying safe, and having a decent autumn. Tonight I feel heavy in heart and soul, so I thought I'd have a ramble with y'all and just talk some things out. Sometimes, rambling in writing does a person good!
So, lately, I've been stressed. We've ALL been stressed, I mean there IS a world wide pandemic going on as we speak. So that in itself is scary and super stressful. On top of that, I'm worrying about my health insurance situation. You see, I turned 26 in Colorado and was able to get on their expanded Medicaid insurance quickly and easily after I was kicked off my parent's insurance (bc of the age cutoff). But then we moved to Kansas...and they haven't expanded Medicaid. Which means thousands of poor adult Kansans, LIKE ME, have no access to health insurance. Bad time to have no health insurance right? Right! So that's been extremely stressful. Thankfully, I've found sliding scale clinics for my health needs, but I'm basically screwed if I need a hospital and I'm praying to God every night that I won't need one.
You might be asking, why doesn't this girl just get a job? Well, it's not that easy for someone like me. I have schizoaffective disorder (which is schizophrenia and bipolar disorder mixed together in my case), severe anxiety and depression. I have to live with severe mental health symptoms every single day which include hallucinations, paranoia, throwing up from anxiety, not being able to get out of bed from depression, delusions, the list goes on. It impacts every part of my life and has robbed me from doing things I love, like working and going to school. I've applied for disability and have been denied. I've applied for Kansas Medicaid and have been denied. I don't know what to do anymore.
This has been weighing heavily on me and challenging my perception of myself. I feel like a burden to my ever supportive and loving family. This just plain sucks and is heart rending some days. Some days I just want to cry all day, mourn everything going on, and stuff my face with all the carbs and sugar I can to placate myself lol. (In case you haven't noticed, I use food to cope. Bad I know and I'm working on it, but there it is.)
So, now I'm at a crossroads in my life. What should I do? I'm determined to do something, however little, to earn money from home to pay towards getting my own health insurance. I've made a commitment to myself to work on my blog more, grow my social media following, and hopefully be able to monetize and make some money that way. Which would be a Godsend. I'm working on art and planning on opening some online shops to sell it. I'm coming up with ideas to write about so I can self publish some books and sell that. I'm using any sort of "skill" that I have to hopefully try to give myself some semblance of a job and money. To be honest, it would be so nice to be proud of my little jobs and tell people what I do and have my family be proud of me. I daydream about that a lot. And I'm determined to make that happen.
Because at the end of the day, I have to be the one to do all of this and try at least. I'm scared, but I will try. I think I can do it. They say with God, anything is possible. Even though my faith isn't the strongest right now, I do believe in that saying. Here's to hoping that I kick things into gear in the next few months.
Thank you to everyone who read all of this. I appreciate it. I appreciate it even if you didn't finish and clicked away and thought "what a weirdo" lol. It's just nice to get your thoughts out sometimes. I needed that. I know, in the end, everything is okay. And I'm very blessed with the family and friends that I have and all my other blessings. If you're going through a tough time right now and scared, sad, stressed, please hang in there. I know how hard it is, but things will get better and you're not alone. Never alone.
I'm going to stop rambling now and I will talk to y'all tomorrow :)
Have a good evening,
Alette
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