My Acceptance Journey of Being Chronically Ill
Hey guys, hope you're all doing well. Today's post is something I've been wanting to talk about for quite awhile and I think my brain has finally found the right words, so I figured I'd share it here. It's more of a serious topic and it's about physical and mental health issues so if that triggers you in anyway, feel free to skip this post and read something lighter.
I've felt moved to write this for a long time but I finally found the courage a few days ago. So here we go, -gulp-.
I am chronically ill. There, I said it. I've resisted using that term for years but I've finally accepted myself, so here I am saying it. I am chronically ill. In case you're curious I'll list my ailments: I have PCOS, chronic fatigue, chronic back pain from a herniated L5 disc, general anxiety, social anxiety, panic disorder, major depression, and schizoaffective disorder. I deal with chronic pain, chronic fatigue, and mental instability everyday (most days it's not severe but it's there).
I was diagnosed with all of these issues in a span of 2 years! Up until the age of 18, I was a pretty outwardly healthy and functioning human. But man, did adulthood hit me HARD and drop an unwanted basket of issues in my lap. I'll save the details of being diagnosed and dealing with that for another post, but let me tell you, it was very difficult.
For several years after my diagnosis (I'm 24 currently) I felt numb. I knew I was ill, hell, how could I not with all of the doctor's visits I went to and therapy I had? But I was numb to it. I gathered my illnesses up into a little pile and swept them under the rug. I didn't want to think of them outside of the doctor's or therapist's offices. I also felt ashamed and mad. I wanted to be healthy! I wanted to be like everyone else! And boy, did I try. I tried working and school multiple times, all with disastrous results. I tried making ambitious plans for the future, ignoring my illnesses completely and disregarding that they were in my life now.
But slowly, ever so slowly, I realized that it's impossible to ignore my illnesses. Fatigue crept in everyday and made me sleep 12-14 hours straight along with a nap or two thrown in. I wondered, how can I work a regular 9-5 when I can't stay awake? My back ached and my leg weakened some days to the point where it was hard to walk. I wondered, what am I going to do on the days I can't walk or move? My depression, hallucinations, and anxiety swarmed me occasionally and sucked me into a hole that I couldn't get out of without intense therapy, meds, and time to recover. I wondered, how can I act like "everybody else" when I'm at the bottom of that dark hole? Slowly, it dawned on me. I needed to stop fighting my illnesses, my new body and mind, my new life and accept it.
I don't need to embrace my illnesses with loving arms, noooo way. But I needed to accept it. I sat down alone one late night and cataloged my illnesses and I thought about each one, the history of it affecting me, how I could manage it, and what I just realistically can't do because of it. I logically went through each one and I breathed a heavy sigh. Okay. So, this is my life now. I'm living with these chronic conditions for the forseeable future. I decided to accept that fact. Then I moved on to how I would identify myself. It's easy to lose your identity when you're ill. After all, I don't have a "real" job, don't go to school, am not married nor a mother, so my identity was kind of up in the air.
For me, myself, personally, when I discovered the label of being chronically ill, I gave a bit of a sigh of relief. Finally something that I could tell people without awkwardly going into detail about my illnesses or lying about having a job or going to school. I could simply say I'm chronically ill and leave it at that. I accepted that as part of my identity. Note, the word PART, because I don't identify only as my illnesses, they are simply just a part of my life that I now accept.
So as years of denying and hiding slowly morphed into researching and then accepting, I felt my soul settle into a semblance of long sought after peace. I can finally say I accept my chronic illnesses and being chronically ill. It doesn't define me, but it helps to explain a part of me and my life and my limitations.
So, that is my acceptance story of my chronic illnesses. I hope this helps someone if they're going through a similar issue or struggle and shows them that they aren't alone. Because that's the worst part of being chronically ill; you feel so alone. You lose friends and sometimes family and you can even lose a little part of yourself. I didn't want anyone else to go through that so I wanted to share my story in the hopes that it'll help and people can relate and letting you, the reader, get to know me better.
Well, this is quite a lengthy post, so if you've read it all, I thank you so very much and here's a *hug*. I apologize for the rambling and I hope some of it makes sense; I just wrote straight from the heart. I hope you all are doing well and I'll be sure to see y'all tomorrow! Thank you :)
Alette
So as years of denying and hiding slowly morphed into researching and then accepting, I felt my soul settle into a semblance of long sought after peace. I can finally say I accept my chronic illnesses and being chronically ill. It doesn't define me, but it helps to explain a part of me and my life and my limitations.
So, that is my acceptance story of my chronic illnesses. I hope this helps someone if they're going through a similar issue or struggle and shows them that they aren't alone. Because that's the worst part of being chronically ill; you feel so alone. You lose friends and sometimes family and you can even lose a little part of yourself. I didn't want anyone else to go through that so I wanted to share my story in the hopes that it'll help and people can relate and letting you, the reader, get to know me better.
Well, this is quite a lengthy post, so if you've read it all, I thank you so very much and here's a *hug*. I apologize for the rambling and I hope some of it makes sense; I just wrote straight from the heart. I hope you all are doing well and I'll be sure to see y'all tomorrow! Thank you :)
Alette
Comments
Post a Comment